


In other words, hold my hand

by ElephantLoveMedley



Series: Nothing matters but you [5]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Fluff, Healing, Holidays, How Do I Tag, M/M, Piercings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:09:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23854360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElephantLoveMedley/pseuds/ElephantLoveMedley
Summary: Kevin had rented a small house near the sea. Jean had to correct himself everytime he tried to call it home.(Or: Jean keeps healing, he keeps growing and he and Kevin finally take some time for themselves.)
Relationships: Kevin Day/Jean Moreau
Series: Nothing matters but you [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1657633
Comments: 6
Kudos: 88





	In other words, hold my hand

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> So, this is basically me shoving all the headcanons that I have about Jean in one (1) small fic and topping it all with gold and lights and the sea just for aesthetic purposes.  
> I just wanted to thank everyone who's reading this series, you make so happy!  
> As always the translation is at the end of the chapter.  
> I hope you likes this!  
> 💛
> 
> Title inspired by Fly me to the moon - Frank Sinatra

When Jean saw Kevin again, he was feeling lighter. A suitcase was standing beside him, an actual one, not the precarious duffel meant to hold clothes that were not his and memories that were too heavy to carry. 

  
Jean now had a suitcase full of clothes, they were all bright and soft and beautiful, and he had chosen them all. Every single one. He had chosen with care, he didn't want something that didn't feel fully his. He had fallen in love with every single piece. Kevin had laughed when he had told him that. 

  
"What do you mean you don't buy it if you don't fall in love with them? They're socks, Jean."

  
"I know, but they're mine. It's part of me, Kevin. The world sees what I'm like on the outside and thinks I'm like that on the inside. I want to make sure I don't fool them. I want to be honest in my introduction." 

  
So, that's why Jean was now sporting a new haircut, four piercings in his left ear and one in his right and the most colourful wardrobe all crammed in a small yellow suitcase. He felt so at peace. 

  
This all started when he went back to Gabby, the tattoo artist. He could still remember it had been a bad day for him, a bad night too, he felt so low. He went for a walk on the beach, where he and Kevin had spent the short two days of his visit. He had laid there for a bit, listening to the seagulls. It was beautiful, but it hadn't cheered him up like it did when Kevin had been there. So he got up, kicking the sand and letting the sun burn the back of his neck. 

  
He had found himself in front of Gabby's shop. He could see her pink hair through the window, it looked like cotton candy. He didn't want to disturb her, so he walked again for a bit, but there were these thoughts buzzing in his mind and Kevin was so far and Jeremy was still his captain. He turned back and walked to the parlor. 

  
Gabby saw him and waved him in. He felt the courage he needed to open the door and took the first step. 

  
"Jean, what do you think about this?" She still remembered his name and the fact that she was so casual warmed his heart. If she could pretend that this was completely normal, then he could too. 

  
He looked at the drawing of two snakes embracing a sword. He smiled, because Kevin would like it. He told her. "Kevin would like it."

  
She looked at him and just said. "The boy who came here with you?"

  
Jean nodded. 

  
"Do you think he has good taste?"

  
Jean smiled a bit to himself. He sure hoped Kevin had good taste. "I think he does, yes."

  
"Then it must be good. If Kevin would like it, it must be good."

  
Jean nodded again and spent the best part of an hour looking at her sketches. That day he walked away with a drawing folded in his pocket and the promise to come back soon. 

  
He started visiting Gabby on most afternoons, when he didn't have practice. When she didn't have appointments she would teach him how to draw, she said he was a natural and he had never felt more proud in his life. He had called Kevin to tell him that night and was delighted in hearing Kevin's curiosity. He would show him his works one day, Gabby said they were good. When she had appointments he just stayed there, sketching and chatting, or he went for long walks on the beach. 

  
One evening, after a particularly bad day - these were the days when he went to the shop just to hear her talk and look at her hair - he had asked her a question. 

  
"Did you ever regret a tattoo?"

  
She smiled and looked up from the sketch of a robot. "I did, but then I covered it up." She started adding flowers to the drawing. He loved when she drew flowers. 

  
"I regretted one too, but it wasn't my choice. I love my moon now."

  
She kept smiling at him. "It looks good on you."

  
He nodded. "I think that too."

  
He liked Gabby, she reminded him a bit of Renee, a bit of Laila. About the girls that had been kind to him. He liked her hair and her steady hands drawing infinite lines. He liked her patience and the way she would encourage Jean, never making him feel little or bad. 

  
He loved drawing, he discovered. Once she had surprised him with water colours, she had told him that they were his, he could keep them, they had just reminded her of him. She had said it with such honesty in her voice that Jean didn't have any other option but believe it. They had reminded her of Jean. This meant he was a true person now, he thought. He wondered what things Kevin associated with him. He had taken the colours and asked Gabby if he could hug her. That had been his first hug with her, in that moment he had realized he had a new friend. 

  
Jean still sketched a lot and Gabby still told him he was good and always improving, but he had never felt like getting another tattoo. Not yet. He still felt like he needed a change, though. He told Gabby and she showed him her piercings: on her ears, her brows, her lips, her tongue. He liked them, but he wasn't so bold. He had settled for a ear piercing, on the top of the shell. It had hurt a bit, but not so much. He had put a golden loop in it and felt so happy everytime he saw it shine in a mirror. 

  
He got the other two with Alvarez and Dermott. They had bugged him so much that he caved. He didn't like sharing, but it'd be good for Gabby's business, he figured. They had gotten matching tattoos and he had added two loops under his first one. He liked them, how they shone and how they tingled. 

  
He had told Kevin on the phone that night, while Jeremy was sleeping and the moon was up high, it hurt a bit to lay on his side, but he endured. Kevin had been worried about Jean getting hurt, but, when he told him it had been Gabby to do it, he relaxed. In the end he was just happy for Jean and couldn't wait to see the result. 

  
The last ones, matching ones on his lobes, were born after a restless day. He had gone to practice, but still felt on fire, he couldn't stand still. He had jogged all the way to Gabby's and sketched with watercolours and blue ink, she was working on the last piece of the day. He stayed there for two hours, letting the too charged energy roll off of him in waves. When she finished, she invited him to join her for an early dinner, he agreed for a pizza. They talked all afternoon, but it still wasn't enough. 

  
Jean told her he wanted a new tattoo. Gabby told him that she wouldn't tattoo him when he was clearly confused. They had argued. They came to a compromise: piercings, at worst they could let them heal and they would close. They walked to a pharmacy and waited in line after two teenagers, Jean felt a bit awkward: Gabby literally owned a tattoo shop and she still decided to go to a pharmacy. 

  
They walked out thirty minutes later with their ears pierced. It was Gabby's third in each lobe and Jean's first. He was happy with it.

  
The both of them hadn't let them close.

  
So, Jean was standing there, outside the court, waiting for Jeremy to bring Kevin back to him. He didn't go to the airport to meet Kevin because he had an appointment and still had to finish packing his suitcase. He was glad to feel his lungs were empty, not weighed down by the vicious grip of jealousy. 

  
It had taken him a lot of time and phone calls to Kevin to understand that he didn't have to be scared for the things that he loved. Admittedly, it had taken less time for material things, the things that couldn't think on their own, than for people. Kevin could think, Renee could think and Gabby could think. 

  
Jean had realised he wasn't really afraid of people taking what he loved away from him anymore, he was more afraid of them walking away. What if Kevin woke up one day and decided that he didn't like speaking french anymore, what if Renee found another friend, what if Gabby decided to never gift him anything again? Jean was afraid of losing them, but he was more afraid of them losing him. He didn't want to be lost, not again. He didn't want to be forgotten. His mum used to kiss him goodnight everyday and, still, he had never seen her again. 

  
Kevin kisses his hands every time they meet, but it could stop one day. Maybe Kevin was just waiting to send him away. His therapist told him that it wasn't true, that Kevin wouldn't fake it, that Kevin had proven it already. 

  
Jean believed him and he believed Kevin, but fear was irrational. 

  
He took some comfort from it, however: if fear was irrational, it was based on instinct and that meant that Jean was getting his instinct back. That meant he was becoming a real person, not so polished and not so hollow. He wasn't so numb anymore. 

  
He had always known what love felt like, but now, when he looked at Kevin getting out of Jeremy's car, all tanned limbs and green eyes, he could feel himself be able to pin point the exact emotion in his heart. He had always known what love felt like, but now he could associate the feeling to its name perfectly. It wasn't care or duty or fear anymore. Love was love and wasn't driven by anything else. Not anymore. Now, when he loved Kevin, he just loved him. He wasn't protecting him from the master or wrapping his hand carefully in silk. He was just loving him, a sentiment untouched, not tainted by fear, rush or need. 

  
It was just love and Jean now could call it so. 

  
Just love. And it was the purest emotion Jean had ever felt. 

Kevin walked to him, a smile on his face and eyes that strained to hold all the emotions he was feeling. He stood in front of Jean, face to face, his head barely tilted to meet Jean's eyes. Kevin took his hands then, cradling them in his own, like they were little, like they were precious, and then he kissed them. Just a brush of his lips on the top of his crooked fingers. 

  
Jean could feel a shiver running down his arms, lighting up the nerves in his elbows and tickling his neck. He could feel the prickling sensation of a blush starting to crawl on his neck, towards his cheeks. He closed his eyes. 

  
"I like your hair." Kevin's hand was now brushing his cheek, combing the locks away from his eyes. The other one had never left Jean's fingers. 

  
"I like your soul."

  
Kevin chuckled and hid his face in Jean's neck.

  
They were so happy. Jean was feeling it. So, so happy. Full of that happiness that you didn't have to burn out, that happiness that made you feel content of just standing there, keeping still. That happiness that made you feel that it was okay to just be. 

  
Jean just wanted to be. 

  
He put his hand on the back of Kevin's neck and kissed the side of his head. That black black hair that he loved. 

  
"Come on, Jeremy is waiting."

  
"But I've been waiting for you more." Kevin said, face still hidden by Jean's neck and a smile brushing his shoulder. "Let me hold you for a bit more."

  
Jean let him. 

  
Just for a bit. Jeremy was waiting and he was really looking forward to have Kevin all by himself. 

Kevin had rented a small house near the sea. Jean had to correct himself everytime he tried to call it home. 

  
It was a beautiful little thing, with some flowers on the front and colourful details on the inside. They had opted for a little town, the kind that had a small pier that led to the sunset and a lot of shells hiding in the sand.   
They hadn't waited. Jeremy had driven them there, leaving them in front of the house. They had picked up the keys and left their suitcases inside. 

  
They hadn't waited. Jean had just kissed Kevin, before they were out of the house again, running toward the sand. 

  
Kevin was so beautiful in the ocean. Jean thought he looked a little bit scared, but so so determined. He hadn't dived right in, but he had held Jean's hand till the water covered their knees. Jean had told him that he would learn to swim eventually, but they were in no rush, they had all the time in the world. Kevin had agreed, but took a step further nonetheless. 

  
Jean loved him. 

After, they had laid under the sun, sharing a towel. Kevin had put a hat over Jean's eyes.

"You'll burn."

  
"I know."

  
"I don't want you to."

  
Jean adjusted the hat, but Kevin kissed his red cheeks anyway that night. The light night breeze felt so cool on his skin, but he welcomed it, hiding further under the covers, chasing Kevin's warmth and his mouth. 

They had done the same thing the next day, after a long night of sleep and part of the day for Kevin. Jean had just sat there, letting the white sheets pool at his waist, tracing Kevin's features in his sketchbook, trying to figure out what colours he would have to mix to perfectly recreate his skin, the little moles on his back that looked like constellations, the scar on his hand and the smile on his lips. 

  
Kevin had told him about muses a long time ago, when they were still in the nest, still small and scared. Kevin had told him that they were like people, but not so much, they were a bit more, and they would inspire the artists. They would fill all their waking thoughts, they would chase them during the sleepless nights, offering their company and their comfort. 

  
Jean thought that Kevin was a bit more. He was not only human. He was ideas and thoughts and memories. He was determination and fight. He was strong and bold and kind. 

  
And he was his. 

  
Renee had told him once about angels, the guardian ones. The ones that spread their wings to cover the eyes of their beloved and hide the ugliness of the world. The ones who were always there to lend a hand. The ones that were happy to take the burden to avoid that their beloved had to do so. 

  
Jean had thought that Kevin wasn't just human, that he was a bit more, but he also thought that if he wasn't. That if his human part outweighed the divine one, like Achilles' had, then Jean would be his guardian angel. He would happily do it, to assure that Kevin was never alone, never scared, never sad.   
Jean had kissed Kevin's shoulders then. His muse, his king. He had kissed his shoulders, hoping that whatever troubled his lover, would be soon transferred to him. He had broader shoulders after all. He had grown stronger in his time with the trojans, he had grown bolder. Renee's sweatpants didn't fit him anymore, because he was stronger now, able to fight, able to defend. 

  
He kissed Kevin's shoulders and Kevin opened his eyes, his smile already on his lips.

  
He had showed him his drawing then, laying with his back against Kevin's chest, Kevin's hands in his hair and occasionally playing with his earrings. Kevin had said he liked them, both the piercings and the drawings. He said he was good and really talented. He said that he's always known of Jean's talent and that he's glad that now other people do to.

  
Kevin said he liked the drawings in water colours the best. They reminded him of memories, he said. Soft and barely hidden by a veil of fondness. 

  
He had kissed Jean then, distracting him and letting the book slip open on the last page, on the drawing of Kevin. Of his back and his hair and his scar. Only a word marked the page: Beau. Jean thought that Kevin was the most beautiful thing. He was sure of it. 

They had walked to the pier that night, a small carnival had been set up for the holidays. Jean had dressed up, in his new clothes, the ones he loved and fitted in his small yellow suitcase. 

  
He had loved the expression on Kevin's face when he had walked out of their room. He was wearing a pair of jeans and a silly button down, all colours and shapes and happiness. His hair was tied up in a bun, gold earrings shining under the moonlight, and he had his new leather jacket on. 

  
He felt good, really good, and the look on Kevin's face just confirmed it. He held out his hand, waiting for Kevin to close his mouth and follow him. 

  
Kevin took his hand. "Jean." There was awe in his voice, reverence.

  
Jean smirked. 

  
"Jean. You." Kevin tugged on his hand to make him stop. "You. You look really beautiful."

  
Kevin was looking him directly in his eyes, an honest look on his face. Jean thought that he wanted to paint him like that, so that if someone ever asked him to describe what it felt like to be loved, he could just show them this picture and be done with it. 

  
Kevin loved him and he was sure of it.   
"You don't look so bad, too." Jean said, cupping Kevin's cheeks.

  
Kevin grabbed his wrists, stopping him from leaning in for a kiss. "No, you don't understand. You look _beautiful._ " Kevin looked at him. "Like. You look like you and there's no better thing out there." He grabbed Jean's hands. "Do you understand?"

  
He was so gentle, Jean couldn't help but nod. 

  
Kevin kissed his hands. Maybe they weren't ugly either. 

  
"You look like yourself too, Kevin, and that's all I ever want you to look like."

  
Kevin kissed him then, under the moonlight, in front of the world. They weren't hiding anymore. 

The carnival was all lights and colours and fairytales. Jean loved it. 

  
The night was chilly near the ocean, but he had his jacket and Kevin's hand to keep him warm. They shared an ice cream and Kevin got stuck trying to win a teddy bear for Jean, he already had two goldfish, he didn't know what he would do with a teddy bear, but he liked to look at Kevin trying. 

  
He loved the determined look on Kevin's face, the way he scrunched his eyebrows and pursed his lips. He liked that he was doing it for him, he liked that in the end he would have another thing to keep, to fill his room and remind him of Kevin. 

  
Jean lifted the bag with his two goldfish, one was nearly white, and stared at Kevin through it. It was a silly thing, but he thought he could paint him like that, with the lights of the carnival behind his head, tracing an halo over his hair and lighting the blush on his cheeks. He could frame his tattoo, make it stark, make it bolder, or he could just hide it, under a goldfish or under the stars. He'd have to think about it, but he thought there was no wrong answer: Kevin would remain Kevin and art was art. 

  
He lowered the plastic bag just in time to see Kevin shoot the final shot. He managed to land it right at the centre of the bullseye. Jean rolled his eyes, Kevin always had a penchant for the dramatics, scoring at the last minute or winning a giant teddy bear didn't matter. He just liked to win. 

  
"I want the one with the sunglasses, please."

  
"Here, dear." The old lady at the booth handed him a light brown bear with sunglasses and a leather jacket. 

  
Kevin turned to grin at Jean. "It's you."

  
Jean just pushed his shoulder and grabbed his hand. 

  
They walked along the booths, watching the games and betting on who would win. Jean often won those bets, Kevin tended to root for the underdogs. He had to admit that rarely winning made the taste of victory sweeter, he thought he could understand Kevin. 

  
He had the teddy bear propped on his hip, holding the goldfish in one hand and Kevin in the other. The moon was shining bright overhead and he thought he had never been more content. 

  
Kevin let his hand fall. "I saw something, stay here. Just a minute."

  
He just raised his eyebrows in question.

  
"It's a surprise."

  
Jean nodded and walked to the cotton candy stand. He bought the pink one, the one that reminded him of Gabby's hair. Renee's too. He wondered what Kevin would look like with pink hair, but he shook his head, Kevin would never try. Besides, he really liked Kevin's hair, as black as ink and so soothing to paint. It contrasted well with gold and Jean liked the light.

  
He was thinking about his next painting, maybe he'll add some silver in it, over Kevin shoulder. He thought that maybe he shouldn't just paint Kevin, but that he should _paint_ Kevin. Just, really painting him. Letting the colours slide down his skin, letting silver and gold and green follow the curves of his body, see what shapes they would reveal. He was thinking that Kevin was made for art, for being exposed in a museum, perfect and untouched. When Kevin came back, he was holding a small package in his hands. Jean didn't know what it was, if it was for him or for Kevin or just another prize. 

  
Kevin held out the box to him. "I just saw these and they reminded me of you."

  
Jean remembered wondering what would remind Kevin of him. 

  
He opened the package, balancing the teddy bear between his hip and elbow, letting the belt of his leather jacket dig into the side of his ribs, and holding out the goldfish for Kevin to take. Kevin gladly took them and stared at Jean eagerly, clearly hoping that he would like the gift. 

  
Jean opened the small box, letting its content slip into his palm. It was a cascade of gold and blue and green, a hint of red and violet and silver stars.

  
"I wanted you to have something to remind you of me too. I can't get a piercing with you, so this is the next best thing. I think they'll suit you."

  
Jean moved the rings back and forth in his hands, letting the sound of metal and plastic sooth him. They were cheap, but they were beautiful and the most important thing was that they had reminded Kevin of him. Kevin had thought of Jean. He thought of him like a person who had taste, who had preferences, like a real person. 

  
Jean had known for a long time now that he was a real person, but seeing proof of it just melted his heart. 

  
He looked at Kevin. "They are beautiful."

  
"Try them!" He looked so eager, so happy.  
Jean hummed. "I don't know. They would suit you better."

  
Kevin looked at him a bit confused, a bit lost. "Why? You don't like them?"

  
Jean shook his head, careful to not let his teddy bear fall. "No, Kev. I do, I do. It's just-" He cut himself off. "Mes mains. Sont horribles. Déformées."

  
Kevin tried to take his hands then, but he didn't want to let Jean's rings fall, so he placed it on his cheek, lifting his gaze from the array of colours spilling under them. "No, Jean. No. I bought them because they reminded me of you, I thought just how beautiful they would look on you, not the contrary. Never the contrary. I didn't buy them because I thought they would make your hands prettier, I already like you. You're already beautiful." Kevin looked straight into his eyes and grinned. "The most beautiful."

  
Jean shook his head. "Not everything."

  
"Yes, everything." Kevin leaned in and kissed his cheek, whispering in his ear. "Because it's you." Kevin pulled back, then, holding on the plastic bag where the goldfish kept swimming. "I just thought you'd like them."

  
Jean smiled. "I do."

  
"Put them on, then." He looked eager again.

  
Jean chose some of them, picking gold and red and slipping them on his fingers. Two, three each. He liked the sensation of it, how they fit, how they sounded when they clicked together and how they apparently forced him to be more gentle, more careful. "I like them."

  
"So beautiful." Kevin whispered again in his ear.

  
Jean just took the teddy bear and grabbed his hand, heading for their home. "Thank you."

  
Kevin still looked so happy, like he had been the one to receive a gift. "It's nothing."

  
Jean bumped their shoulders together. "It's not."

  
It wasn't.

**Author's Note:**

> Beau means beautiful. 
> 
> Jean shook his head, careful to not let his teddy bear fall. "No, Kev. I do, I do. It's just-" He cut himself off. "My hands. They're horrible. Deformed." 
> 
> *
> 
> For whoever is wondering the two fish did make it back to the Trojans dorms and are now the most important part of Jean's routine after calling Kevin and making life difficult for Jeremy. They have a really silly name like fish and chips or peanut butter and jellyfish. Everyone on the team addresses them as they like, but the name has to contain a pun on sea life and a pun on food, otherwise doesn't work. 
> 
> And I love Gabby and she definitely has a girlfriend who works at a flower shop.
> 
> *
> 
> I'm figuringthengsout on tumblr if you want to chat.


End file.
